Sep 21

Forget hard. This is fucking hard.

So I thought it would be easy to write a health food blog? Who am I? Rachael Ray?

No. No, I am not Rachael Ray. The following blog post will prove that, just in case anyone of my [1] readers were confused up until now. Glad I cleared that up so that I could go back to my slow mental breakdown about not being able to eat healthy. Just like when I tried to post this blog by Sunday, I failed. And I should have just accepted that.

The roomate’s vegan endeavor was not going well either. Soy milk turned into regular milk. Tofu turned into fish. And I turned into a crazy bitch when all that was left in my fridge was a red pepper and a single slice of cheese. Being resourceful, I scavenged the rest of the kitchen and came up with a pretty good recipe:

  • 20 minutes lying in the middle of the kitchen in the fetal position, arguing to yourself about whether you should get up or not.
  • After getting up, stare at your cabinet for a full 10 minutes before opening it up. Then stare at the contents for 10 more minutes.
  • By now, your internal dialogue with yourself will have been tuned out by the site of peanut butter. Unless you are allergic, in which case you should go back to step 1.
  • 2 tablespoons of peanut butter, then 2 teaspoons, then- fuck it, just finish the whole jar!
  • 10 glasses of milk, 1% low fat, after having talked yourself down from the coffee creamer in the front of the fridge (but the milk is all the way in the back!)
  • 1-2 hours watching Cash Cab in your living room with a 1 box of Cheez- Its until the late-night infomercials wake you up and your roommates give you hardened stares because it smells like peanut butter and cheese powder.

 

Voila: the most satisfying/ shameful dinner I’ve ever made. And it was so easy! Eat it, Rachael Ray.

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3 comments so far

  1. 1 cwilkerson
    3:26 am - 9-25-2011

    i love this its honest, to the point, real. soymilk is delicious cheap but theres nothin like a proper glass of milk.. and RR should eat it.

  2. 2 jenny abeles
    11:08 pm - 9-27-2011

    That sounds like a real melt-down. Just out of curiosity, did you try dipping the cheez-its *in* the peanut butter? Because that sounds like it could be kind of yummy, or yucky-yummy, as they say.

    So, are you going to get back on the healthy, wholesome wagon? You know, your sparse cabinets and fridge point to a crucial component of this whole enterprise–shopping. Are you reading labels in the grocery store aisles? Are you shopping at the bodega or whole foods? Is there a farmer’s market near you (there’s a great one in union square manhattan on wednesdays…). Eating healthy isn’t just a dining choice, it’s a lifestyle choice…as you’re finding out, I think. To eat healthy, your *life* has to change, too. There might be some room here for that “particular to the universal” telescoping lens I was talking about in class last time. Dig?

    I really love the tone here–it’s kind of self-disparaging and sarcastic, but extremely likeable. Even health food nuts would like to sit on your sofa eating cheez-its with you, i think. Your “pretty good recipe” (for what, I wonder?) is quite charming.

    This is a very readable blog.

  3. 3 jennchen115
    2:21 am - 10-19-2011

    LOL! damn. u really like ur cheese!
    And i thought i was obsessed!
    btw… im allergic to soy. hates milk. and dislikes 50% of the vegetables out there including carrot! -.-

    isn’t that ironic? i dont know how i managed to stay a vegetarian.

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what's eating jimmy? a blog about food. and jimmy